The truth about my painting, my writing, everything I am doing or sharing is that it has been avoidance. Yes we dive into hobbies or maybe even new interests/skills to “stay sane” or remain engaged in life. And while my hobbies, my accessory passions, do keep me sane and engaged, they were also allowing me to avoid stress, concern, panic, AND at times responsibility. If you have read any of my covid journal entries you are familiar with my quarantine experience. For those who aren’t, the first week I was honestly paralyzed. I was numb with the thought of how my medical education would be affected, how it would proceed, how i would supplement book learning without seeing patients without the structure of going to clinic or the hospital.... after that the days just ran together.
I was talking to friends and family, immediately started writing and painting, but I was avoiding the scary things and that was school and the uncertainty of the end of third year, fourth year, residency requirements, etc. I let so many scary thoughts build up... it made me not want to deal with that aspect of my life. Then after a couple weeks the lack of physical contact set in. Being a single woman and incredibly close with my family not being able to be with my parents or brothers, not hugging or being hugged became a real weight on my heart. That was the first 4-5ish WEEKS of being home. I did my mandatory assignments, watched a couple videos and attended my zoom lectures but that was it for school. I have reached a turning point in the last week. I’m not sure that my fear of the unknown has completely dissolved, and i still feel the weight of not having a human in my quarantine space (family, friend) but my doing art isn’t a crutch anymore. I can feel that difference. I’m not avoiding studying or reviewing. In fact I missed it. Now it’s what I want to do and I do art in the mean in between time (which is plenty cause we have all day).
Art isn’t replacing my responsibility anymore... it’s happening alongside it, strengthening my capacity to stay diligent and restoring me when my mind becomes exhausted. I say my turning point came because of an email with a date in it. A date giving me something sure/certain to prepare for but that’s an oversimplification. I am a person of faith and I know it was more than email that pulled me out of my funk. I know everyone won’t believe that. But that’s my truth. I am sharing this because sometimes you share creations that truly make you happy and people assume it means you’re all good all the time. I am sharing this because medical students at any level often put more pressure on themselves than anyone and it’s assumed we’re all okay when life takes an unexpected course. We all have a different story, but sometimes we can share truths, making them all the more important to tell.
So for students struggling to keep schedule or focus, for anyone whose new hobbies are equal parts distraction and meditation.... you aren’t alone. It happens. I hope and believe a turning point awaits for anyone in a tough spot. Until then take care of you the best you know how... the good news is that even avoidance grows old after so long. And do remember that a turning point is just that... so be kind to yourself because it will still continue to be a day by day challenge with unique ups and downs. There is no way to remain in one consistent mood/mental space for all of quarantine and that’s okay.
-xxO
I was talking to friends and family, immediately started writing and painting, but I was avoiding the scary things and that was school and the uncertainty of the end of third year, fourth year, residency requirements, etc. I let so many scary thoughts build up... it made me not want to deal with that aspect of my life. Then after a couple weeks the lack of physical contact set in. Being a single woman and incredibly close with my family not being able to be with my parents or brothers, not hugging or being hugged became a real weight on my heart. That was the first 4-5ish WEEKS of being home. I did my mandatory assignments, watched a couple videos and attended my zoom lectures but that was it for school. I have reached a turning point in the last week. I’m not sure that my fear of the unknown has completely dissolved, and i still feel the weight of not having a human in my quarantine space (family, friend) but my doing art isn’t a crutch anymore. I can feel that difference. I’m not avoiding studying or reviewing. In fact I missed it. Now it’s what I want to do and I do art in the mean in between time (which is plenty cause we have all day).
Art isn’t replacing my responsibility anymore... it’s happening alongside it, strengthening my capacity to stay diligent and restoring me when my mind becomes exhausted. I say my turning point came because of an email with a date in it. A date giving me something sure/certain to prepare for but that’s an oversimplification. I am a person of faith and I know it was more than email that pulled me out of my funk. I know everyone won’t believe that. But that’s my truth. I am sharing this because sometimes you share creations that truly make you happy and people assume it means you’re all good all the time. I am sharing this because medical students at any level often put more pressure on themselves than anyone and it’s assumed we’re all okay when life takes an unexpected course. We all have a different story, but sometimes we can share truths, making them all the more important to tell.
So for students struggling to keep schedule or focus, for anyone whose new hobbies are equal parts distraction and meditation.... you aren’t alone. It happens. I hope and believe a turning point awaits for anyone in a tough spot. Until then take care of you the best you know how... the good news is that even avoidance grows old after so long. And do remember that a turning point is just that... so be kind to yourself because it will still continue to be a day by day challenge with unique ups and downs. There is no way to remain in one consistent mood/mental space for all of quarantine and that’s okay.
-xxO
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