Off the Wallflower

So I without a doubt identify as an extrovert. On any scale, any test, people are one of my many loves and one of my greatest needs. They give me life and restoration, and they are as much my medicine as they are sometimes my chief complaint lol. I love me some humans. I especially love the ones that find it in their hearts to love me and all my foolishness (aka flaws). So you can imagine the emotional struggle that one endures when your life dream calls you 8-9 hrs away from friends and the big life moments of said friends.

Not only was I called away from incredible people. I was called away from an incredible place. A city composed of diversity, art, music, and so much more. The city that allowed me to develop a social independence* like I’d never imagined. Houston is home to all that  occupies the largest percentage of my heart. The people, the food, the events/venues, the opportunities, I was and still am so wrapped up in that city. I’ll get into the significance of social independence in a bit. Let’s start with something I know everyone can relate to: FOMO.

As if it wasn’t hard enough preparing my body and mind for my new dedication to studying, I had to do that miles away from my favorite people! All I could think of was how I could never bring myself to request any of them to make the trip to me and how I probably wouldn’t have the time to make it myself. And the worst thing is, it only takes a couple of posts of people doing things or going places without you after a drastic move, to have you in your feels. Like the first birthday, concert, brunch, or karaoke Monday I missed had me UPSET. But... the encouragement and support from everyone softens the initial blow. Random calls, Snapchat video chat, meme texts, etc all have a way of bridging the very real gap you might feel. FOMO is such a unique experience too, because it almost has a mind of its own. No one wants or chooses to endure these feelings. It sort of just happens to you. All the while the rational part of you is like:

 “Why on earth are you ‘mad’ at your friends for doing life right now? You are literally doing life where you are... in this same moment(*insert hand claps)... look at your IG. Stop this nonsense.”

And this internal battle pretty much goes on until you get over yourself. Which I did..... Just in time to realize that my new environment could and would  support my old social methods.

Living in Houston, I had this sort of unlimited access to unique experiences. I also had the luxury of pursuing the experiences by myself with the same comfort I would have doing so with a friend or group. I went out to events, places, restaurants because I genuinely wanted to, because I believed there was something I could enjoy and I desired to figure that out for myself  . In my last year or so in HTX I did this a lot and most of it was on my own. I did so safely of course. The dangers of doing nightlife as a lone female are not lost on me. But I am not one to be kept from exploring (responsibly).

Anyway, the beauty in my new and growing independence taught me how many experiences are passed up/ never had because of lack of company OR because of our expectations. You can miss out on an experience while you're literally in it because of expectations. js... When I started going to things in the city because I was genuinely interested, without ulterior motives (like meeting a guy or anyone really) and without expectations or predictions of how the day/evening should go, I stopped going home disappointed. I also stopped needing someone to sit next to me or talk to me during natural lulls in a social setting. I learned what it felt like to be truly present, and to let people, life surprise you. It’s this kind of socializing (and a healthy dose of divine intervention) that has led me to so many good people with whom I share love, triumphs, hardships, and more. Having said all this, and having setup htx to appear as the gem it is, my current social scene has been uhhh... different and one of my more complicated adjustments.

College towns are called so for a reason. The university is the pride and joy, and it follows that the primary social setting involves undergrads. Undergrad fun is just that, undergrad fun. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love a good turn up, a couple rounds of BP, what have you, but it’s not my default if that makes sense lol. But that’s not even the biggest “issue” I had. My real issue was first coming to grips that I was socially dependent (on my classmates) and then realizing how differently people socialized here. In regards to my classmates, let me be clear... they’re awesome. They are nice, smart, charismatic, diverse, and a good freakin time! It’s less about them, and more about how hard it was knowing I wasn’t really comfortable going anywhere without them. They are or were the only people I knew in town, and still are like 90% of the people I know in town haha.

​But it’s weird feeling comfortable enough to venture alone in a big city and then moving somewhere smaller and feeling as if that’s not an option. Now of course, the option is always there but the comfort is what I lacked. And sure enough, after going out enough times I realized that the local social nature I guess probably isn’t conducive to going out alone anyway. The sort of spur, fluid interactions that I’ve grown used to are not impossible but less common here. You go out in groups because people tend to stay with them. Whereas in Houston, I may come with one group of friends, disappear for two minutes and comeback looking like an original member of a whole other crew lol.

Again it’s just the nature of where you are. The key for me to begin making the most of my new social scene was to stop comparing, start exploring, and find out how to work with what I got. I was so scared and uncomfortable at the thought of turning into a wallflower, I didn’t realize I was wasting opportunities to be a new kind of wildflower. It takes time, but I’ve managed to find the spots that create atmospheres I’m more aligned with. I’ve found the places that I can dance all night at. I’ve found the places that offer spur conversations with locals. I’ve found the places to retreat to when I’m not in the mood for undergrad fun. I've even managed to happen upon some cool friends and acquaintances unaffiliated with the med school. I’ve discovered a lot since I moved here, and I think the best part is knowing I’m not quite done...

xxO, 

The Third Voice