Covid-19 Journals, April 2020

1. Pangea
I read something the other day that say "It's a pandemic, not a productivity contest"..... and you would have thought my whole world (under these current circumstances) exploded...

This pandemic like with any other topic in our nation, our world these days has been polarized and is being employed as an excuse to divide and judge and be shitty humans. There is no topic, or issue where 100% of people support the same argument/truth. No issue where 100% of people are impacted in the SAME WAY. This is no different.

And of course I am in that group of people who encourages getting up and taking care of yourself and trying to do something, literally ANYTHING with your day becasue I don't think a pandemic changes the fact that these are still days, sucky as they may be, are still DAYS OF OUR LIVES, still valuable TIME we've been granted on earth.... Yes I support that and post about it, but my intention is to ENCOURAGE not just others but myself! I don't do well with idle time so I say things I need to hear during this quarantine, things to help me be active, to keep myself accountable for my life. But what I'm not doing is shaming people for being affected the same way as me and behaving differently or being affected differently than me and doing differently. 

The spectrum, nay the combinations of how one might feel during this time & what they do about it are vast and diverse. That is humanity, that is individuality. And just because we all are quarantined (which everyone isn't even doing), just because we are all being asked to make similar sacrifices doesn't mean we all need to or will live day to day the same way, or feel the same way day to day. 

No one needs permission to feel crappy or be less "productive", just like no one needs it to be doing just fine. I've been really hard on myself for the amount of time I spent being less than my best, and though my activity level and focus have changed which I'm happy about... it didn't happen until I stopped feeling guilty about how this pandemic took a toll on Alesia.... 

So do you. It's fucking pangea right now. Ain't none of us been. So no one can tell you shit.

-xxO


2. Need a Jump
I'm not too sure I'll ever be able to regain my best academic effort under these circumstances. I know it seems ridiculous to be "off" from school/work and complaining about studying... but it's true. For me the lack of "distraction" (i.e. see patients in clinic or in the hospital for a work day, meetings for research etc) is distracting. I don't feel like myself.
know students typically complain about how hard it is to work a full day and then find time to study but I actually thrive in that routine. I work harder and faster and more efficiently. I actually retain what I study and cover more ground in that finite time provided around seeing patients. But this... this is not working for me. I took forever to even start studying honestly, and even now that I am it's not my best.
And I know everyone including me has been stressing how important a routine is to maintain normalcy and sanity..and I have a routine that does keep me sane, BUT I CAN'T SIMULATE the kind of routine that would facilitate my best study efforts/habits. That is how this quarantine is challenging me, and not studying the way I'd like to is affecting me emotionally and causes me stress... more stress I should say. I'm trying...
I'm not writing this from a place of defeat, not yet at least. I am trying, and I am better today than the last few days. I'm praying for strength and guidance and constantly looking for anything or anyone that might help jumpstart that motivation. I am trying everyday to find ways to remind myself that I want to know these things, that I want to take care of people, and that one day I will take care of people.
But this is just where I'm at currently. 

3. Flip Flip
Today I flipped a switched...thanks to one email giving me a deadline.... finally something that was sure, certain. I have never sat down to make a map out a schedule so fast. In an instant I was ready to work, to read, to study, to understand all things I had been neglecting due to fatigue, sadness, restlessness, and the kind of anxiety that is subtle yet paralyzing. I knew what I needed this whole time